A Matter of Social Judgment and Personal Choice

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The article Social Media Etiquette: 12 Step Checklist seems practical and innocuous enough.  But the questions that Forbes contributor Ilya Pozin poses is a matter of social judgment and personal choice.  He wonders if such sensitive, major events as a friend dying of a heart attack or a relative diagnosed with breast cancer ought to be communicated on social media.

It is a very important thing to wonder about.

The friend and relative were those of entrepreneur Lisa Filpi Goeckler, who shared these stories with Pozin in their conversations.  He continues (emphasis, added):

Both of the circumstances combined made me reconsider how we use social media. These two incidences were much bigger life events that may not have a place being blasted through with Facebook posts. 

I do feel social media is valuable in many ways. But maybe we should teach etiquette to guide people on the best ways to use it as a communication tool. After all, like most technology, social media has been hoisted on our world with little or no instruction.

Where do we draw the line between what is appropriate and sensible to post on social media and what is simply not?  How can we even ask such a question, when the very notion of a line has been diffused or otherwise altered by social media?

While authorities, legislators and pundits debate ethics, and fight over policy, on privacy, scores of people keep posting such personal things that they might as well invite all of us to their bedrooms and open drawers of underwear and other personal effects for us to gawk at.

Goeckler suggests asking ourselves these questions, before we post:

1. Should I target a specific audience with this message?
2. Will anyone really care about this content besides me?
3. Will I offend anyone with this content? If so, who? Does it matter?
4. Is this appropriate for a social portal, or would it best be communicated another way?
5. How many times have I already posted something today? (More than three can be excessive.)
6. Did I spell check?
7. Will I be okay with absolutely anyone seeing this?
8. Is this post too vague? Will everyone understand what I’m saying?
9. Am I using this as an emotional dumping ground? If so, why? Is a different outlet better for these purposes?
10. Am I using too many abbreviations in this post and starting to sound like a teenager?
11. Is this reactive communication or is it well thought-out?
12. Is this really something I want to share, or is it just me venting?

Practically speaking, I doubt that people will ask themselves any of these questions, before they post, let alone an entire checklist.  But they ought to.

But I also suggest that they - meaning, we - ask the broader, more reflective life questions:

• What really matters to us the most, and what doesn't matter so much?  Conventionally known as values, yes.  But I mean also desires, dreams and longings.  
• Who are truly the important people in our lives, not the ones we necessarily acknowledge publicly, but the ones we point to in our private, personal moments?  
• How are our many relationships going, from personal and family, to work and social, to leisure and secret?
• What kinds of interactions do we have with people in general, especially at those places we hardly think about as bearing any significant interactions, such as the drive-through, ticket line, and rush-hour traffic?
• How do we communicate, where do we communicate, and what modes do we prefer the most and prefer the least?  People commonly view communication as one-way, that is, what they say, write or post.  But I mean also the other-way, that is, receiving what others say, write or post.  

We are human, prone to mistakes or accidents.  As humans, we do whatever it is we are wont to do.  Behavioral psychologists simplify it to:  We do whatever gets rewarded, and we avoid whatever gets punished.  There is simplistic wisdom in that, I'd say.

What's not so simplistic are those vague notions that drive our behavior, those unconscious motives that by their very nature we aren't aware of, those minor tremors of anxiety or fear that hold us back.

So we may prefer that a friend tell us in person or via phone that a mutual friend died.  We may prefer a family member to tell us in person or via phone that a relative came down with cancer.  

But, there, you see, what we prefer may differ radically from what that friend or family member prefers.

    

So in a sort of meta-communication, that is, a communication about how we communicate, social media has evidently exposed the very differences in what we prefer.

Thank you for reading, and let me know what you think!

Ron Villejo, PhD